So, this Apple iPad thing was announced and demonstrated, right? Man, how exciting. How wonderful and interesting and everything. It’s like, man, you know? Or something.

And the thing is, we all wanted to be excited about this, Apple. We wanted to give you our firstborns in exchange for a small tablet-sized device that would revolutionize the way that we interacted with computers and the internet.

But we can’t be excited about what you gave us, Apple. It’s just an iPod Touch with a big screen, Apple. Why did you think that was a good idea? It’s not. Because I already have an iPhone and that has a camera and makes phone calls.

The screen size, Apple, is not the point of the thing. That’s a side effect of the form factor, and the form factor is not why people really wanted a tablet from you.
They wanted a tablet from you because they wanted a fresh round of innovation, Apple. They wanted to be inspired. They wanted to see how Steve Jobs would make an awesome, useful device if he was given an excuse to launch one.

It’s not the size, Apple. It’s the opportunity to release something new. Because you usually rise to that occasion with characteristic aplomb.

But you, you thought it was all about the size of the device. You thought we wanted it for a REASON and that REASON was the FORM-FACTOR. That’s not it at all. We wanted you to push limits, make technology improve our lives in ways we didn’t even know we needed improving. We wanted to be surprised, but we were going to settle for you listening to our suggestions.

Oh, but Apple, why did you do what you did? You didn’t surprise us. You didn’t even listen to us.

Why can’t we run background applications on the iPad, Apple? You’ve built a computer. Why can’t we use it like a computer?

Why isn’t there a camera, Apple? We wanted to finally make video chat a part of our lives on a regular basis. We can’t do that without a camera, Apple.

Why isn’t there built in handwriting recognition, Apple? Sure, we can buy a stylus and an iPhone app like WritePad to do this, but we can’t do it in Safari, or email, or anywhere else. We don’t like typing on onscreen keyboards without tactile feedback, Apple. Why can’t we write instead, with our hands, dead simple, the way we learned in first grade? You put “pad” in the name of the device and yet the device cannot be used as a note-pad.

Why did you pick AT&T again, Apple? Their data network can’t even support all the phones you made. Why don’t you give us a choice, Apple?

Why won’t you allow users to install whatever programs they want, Apple? Why do I have to ask you for permission to do what I want with my device?

Why didn’t you give us a reason to use your device, Apple? Why didn’t you make us think – wow, that’s something I’d like to do someday, as we all looked on in awe, glimpsing into the future? Why didn’t you do that?

All you did, Apple, was make it easier to watch movies on the couch. Now, I don’t mind holding my hot laptop on my chest. But now, I can hold a tablet instead. I didn’t ask for that, Apple. I don’t need that, Apple. I’m not inspired by that, Apple.

I asked to be inspired by the future and by your relentless march into it, leading ahead as a visionary, while we poor naves wandered behind, squinting at the bright light. Instead, you want to charge me 500 bucks for a laptop really big iPod Touch.

Thanks, but no thanks, Apple.